Where's the voice of the middle-aged, heterosexual, married, marginally achieving (certainly not over achieving), sleep deprived, 25-pounds overweight- DAD. Well, you’re looking at it (can you see me?). And I'm not even sleep deprived because I have young kids that wake me up all hours of the night (kids are 13 & 11). I JUST CAN'T SLEEP (how will we pay for college / what’s for dinner tomorrow night / is my son accepted socially at school / will I have a job tomorrow / what are the chances of my kids having perfect scores on the SAT’s / the guy that repaired the floor in the kitchen did a crappy job and I need to call him to come back out / neither the ice or water dispensers on the front of the refrigerator are working). Not that I own the rights to sleeplessness. But it certainly can get frustrating.
I will turn 45 in 6 months. So I guess I’m being far too optimistic to make the prophecy that I’m half way to the finish line – most likely closer to 2/3. But hey, what do we have if not our unrealistic dreams (this is just one of many, stay tuned). Especially since I’m overweight and have a family history of heart disease.
And no, I don’t hate my wife, or my kids. They are collectively and individually much more that I’d expect. I remember as a child (elementary & jr. high) being morbidly shy around girls and having no reasonable prospects, thinking that there was no way any girl would ever want to have anything to do with me, much less one day marry me. It’s funny how certain thoughts stick with you. My fortunes did change in high school and beyond in this regard, but somewhere deep in the mind’s recesses, that thought has remained.
Much digression, be here I am. Almost 45, in a job I do not like, looking back professionally at things I could have done differently. We have this college new-hire program at work. It’s great to see these kids fresh out of college, ready to tackle the world and wonder, what the hell happened to me. One day you come to the realization that your no longer on the uptick, you’ve plateaued and your best years are behind you. Is this something that I’ve imposed on myself? Most likely. But it’s sure hard to shake. They’ve got the stamina, drive, energy, optimism I used to have, and I just want to stick a fork in my eye. I work for a very large company that’s home office is up in the NE. The guy that is head of our division is probably 10 years my junior. Sharp, nice guy. Always says the right things, wears the right suit. When you start relatively at the same point as someone else, and then they far out distance you by miles and miles, how does that happen exactly? Is there one recognizable moment where you can look and say – OK, I should have gone this way and made this decision? Or does he just have something in him that I don’t. That’s probably it, but it is a difficult thing to admit to yourself.
I wake up in the middle of the night with song lyrics running through my head.
“wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world”
“been up to Villiers Terrace – saw what’s a happening”
Some of it rather obscure and they certainly don’t go together. Music’s always been a big part of my life. In college and beyond our thing was to go to shows. There was really no distance we would not travel to see what we considered a good band. And just about anyone who’d make a stop in our small southern college town we’d be sure to check out. We’d dance like the fools we were (or still are) and have the time of our life.
Maybe if I spent more time studying and less time following music, I’d be that guy in the nice suit. But the funny thing is, I’m not really sure I even want to be that guy. I’m pretty sure I don’t.
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